InsaneJournal

Shocolate’s Robin Hood - R/Hr - G
Title: shocfix’s Robin Hood
Author: shocfix
Pairing: Ron/Hermione
Rating: G

My daughter and I were arguing about whether Disney’s Robin Hood was a Harry/Ron or a Ron/Hermione.

She won.

Post HBP - the Death Eaters have taken over the country and are living at Hogwarts; members of the Order of the Phoenix, led by Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, are living deep in the Forbidden Forest.

Maybe it’s best if you don’t go any further.

And, yes, of course Ron is Robin Hood – note the red hair, and the fact that the fandom has put the ‘bi’ in Ron – which gives you ‘Robin’…. And, can it be just a coincidence, that, when Robin Hood and Maid Marion carved their initials on a tree, well, to turn “R.H. + M.M.” to “R.W. + M.H.” all you have to do is swap the ‘M’ for the ‘H’ and flip it over? I think not!

And notice the Snape/Sheriff of Nottingham thingy.....

Captures by prettypictures at cap_it.

Script by Drew’s Script-o-Rama.

Insane, but not dial-up friendly.


shocfix’s Robin Hood
****




















[Seamus] You know, there's been a heap of legends and tall tales... about Ron Weasley. All different too. Well, we folks of the animal kingdom have our own version. It's the story of what really happened in the Forbudden Forest.

Oh, incidentally, I'm Seamus Finnegan, a minstrel. That's an early-day folk singer. And my job is to... tell it like it is. Or was… or whatever.

Ron Weasley and Harry Potter walkin' through the forest

Laughin' back and forth at what the other'n has to say
Reminiscin' this 'n' that and havin' such a good time
Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally Golly, what a day

Never ever thinkin' there was danger in the water
They were drinkin' They just guzzled it down
Never dreamin' that a schemin' Potions Master and his posse

Was a-watchin' them and gatherin' around


Ron Weasley and Harry Potter runnin' through the forest

Jumpin' fences, dodgin' trees and tryin' to get away

Contemplatin' nothin' but escapin' and finally makin' it
Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally Golly, what a day
Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally Golly, what a day

[Harry] You know something, Ron? You're taking too many chances.

[Ron] Chances? You must be joking. That was just a bit of a lark, Harry.

[Harry] Yeah? Take a look at your hat.

That's not a candle on a cake.

[Ron] Hello. This one almost had my name on it, didn't it? They're getting better, you know. You've got to admit it. They are getting better.

[Harry] Huh, yeah. The next time that Potions Master'll probably have a rope around our necks.
[Gagging] Pretty hard to laugh hangin' there, Ron.

[Ron] Ha! The Potions Master and his whole posse couldn't lift you off the ground. En garde!

[Harry] Hey, watch it, Ron. That's the only hat I've got.

[Ron] Oh, come along. You worry too much, old boy.


[Harry] You know something, Ron? I was just wonderin'. Are we good guys or bad guys? You know. I mean, uh, our robbin' the rich to feed the poor. "Ron"? [Clicking Tongue]

[Ron] That's a naughty word. We never rob. We just... sort of borrow a bit from those who can afford it.

[Harry] Borrow? Huh. Boy, are we in debt.


[Trumpet Sounding]

[Ron] That sounds like another collection day for the poor. Eh, Harry boy?

[Harry] Yeah. Sweet charity.

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Draco] Taxes! [Laughs] Taxes! Beautiful, lovely taxes! [Laughing]

[Nagini] Sire, you have an absolute skill...for encouraging contributions from the poor. [Chuckling]


[Draco] To coin a phrase, my dear counselor, rob the poor to feed the rich. [Laughing] Am I right? - [Laughing] Tell me, what is the next stop, Sir Nagini?

[Nagini] Uh, let me see. Uh, I-- Oh! Yes. The next stop is Hogwarts, sire.

[Draco] Oh! The richest plum of them all. Hog-- [Laughs] warts.

[Nagini] A perfect fit, sire. Most becoming. You look regal, dignified, sincere, masterful, noble, chival--

[Draco] Uh, uh, don't, don't overdo it, Nagini. There. That, I believe, does it. This crown gives me a feeling of power! Power! Forgive me a cruel chuckle. [Laughing] Power. Hmm.

[Nagini] And how well Professor Dumbledore's crown sits on your noble brow.

[Draco] Doesn't it? Uh, Professor Dumbledore? I've told you never to mention his name!

[Nagini] A-A mere slip of the forked tongue, Your Majesty. We're in this plot together, if you don't mind my saying so. And remember, it was your idea I hypnotized him and--

[Draco] I know. And sent him off on that crazy crusade. [Laughing]

[Nagini] [Laughing] Much to the sorrow of your mother.

[Draco] Yes! Mother.

Mother always did like Dumbledore best.

[Nagini ] Your Highness, please don't do that. If you don't mind my saying so, you see, you have a very loud thumb. Hypnotism could rid you of your... psychosis...

so... easily.


[Draco] No! None of that! None of that.

[Nagini] Well, I was only trying to help

[Draco] I wonder. Silly serpent.

[Nagini] "Silly serpent"?

[Draco] Now look here. One more hiss out of you, [Stammering] Nagini, and you are walking to Hogwarts.

[Nagini] Snakes don't walk. They slither. Hmpf. So there.

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Harry] Now what about that for luck? It's only a circus. A peanut operation.

[Ron] "Peanuts"? Why, you dunce. That's the royal coach. It's Draco Malfoy himself.

[Harry] Wait a minute. There's a law against robbin' royalty. I'll catch you later.

[Ron] What? And miss this chance to perform before royalty?


[Harry] Ah! Here we go again.

[Ron] Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally! Fortune-tellers! Fortunes forecast! Lucky charms! Get the dope with your horoscope.


[Draco] Fortune-tellers! How droll. Uh, stop the coach.

[Nagini] Sire, sire, they may be bandits.

[Draco] Oh, poppycock. Female bandits? What next? Rubbish. [Chuckling] Um, um, my dear ladies, you have my permission to kiss the royal hands. Whichever you like, first.

[Harry] Mmm! Oh!

[Ron] How gracious! And generous.

[Nagini] [Gasping] Sire! Sire! Did you see what they…

[Draco] Stop! [Laughing] Stop hissing in my ear. Nagini! Oh, you've hissed your last-- Suspicious snake.

[Ron] Masterfully done, Your Excellency. [Chuckling] Now close your eyes... and concentrate. Close your eyes. Tight shut. No peeking, sire. [Chuckling]

From the mists of time, come forth, spirits. Yoo-hoo!

[Harry] Okay, little fireflies. Glow, babies, glow.

[Ron] We're waiting. [Chuckling] Ah, oh! Look, sire. Look! Oh! Incredible. Floating spirits.


[Draco] Ah, oh!

[Ron] Naughty, naughty. You mustn't touch, young man.

[Draco] Oh, how dare you strike the royal hand.

[Ron] Shh! You'll break the spell. Just gaze into the crystal ball.

Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lal-- Oh!
A face appears. [Gasping] A crown is on his noble brow. - Oo-de-lally!

[Draco] A crown! How exciting!

[Ron] His face is handsome, regal, majestic, loveable, a cuddly face.

[Draco] Handsome, regal, oh! Majestic. Loveable. Yes, yes. Cuddly. [Laughs] Oh, that's me to a "T." It really is. Yes.

[Ron] I-- [Laughs]

[Draco] Now what?

[Ron] [Gasps, Chuckles] I, uh--I see, um, your illustrious name.

[Draco] I know my name! Get on with it!

[Ron] Your name will go down, down, down, in history, of course.

[Draco] Yes! I knew it! I knew it! Do you hear that, Nagini? Oh, you-- [Mumbling] He's in the basket.

[Ron] Don-- Don't forget it.

[Harry] Hmm. What have we here?

Solid-gold hubcaps. Oo-de-lally. The jackpot.


[Draco] Robbed! I've been robbed! Nagini! You're never around when I need you!


[Draco] I've been robbed.

[Nagini] Of course you've been robbed!

[Ron] Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally! Fortunes forecast. Lucky charms.

[Draco] After them, you fools! [Crying] No, no, no, no!

[Nagini] I knew it. I knew it. I just knew this would happen. I tried to warn you, but, no. You wouldn't listen. You just had to-- Ah, ah, ah! Seven years' bad-- Ooh! Luck. That's what it is. Besides, you broke your mother's mirror.

[Draco] [Wailing] Mommy!

I've got a dirty thumb.

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Seamus] Well, even though Draco Malfoy... offered a huge reward for the capture of Ron Weasley,

that elusive rogue kept right on robbin' the rich to feed the poor. And believe me, it's a good thing he did,

'cause what with taxes and all, the poor folks of Hogwarts were starvin' to death.

Uh-oh. Here comes old bad news himself, the Honorable Potions Master.

[Snape] Every town, Has its taxes too, And the taxes is due, Do do-do do do. Well, lookie there.
[Chuckles] Neville, the old do-gooder. He's out doin' good again.


[Dean] Well, good mornin', Neville.

[Neville] Shh, Dean. Shh! For you, Dean, from Ron Weasley. [Chuckling]

[Dean] Oh, God bless Ron Weasley.

[Snape] Do do do do-do do dee do do-do

[Neville] It's the Potions Master! Hurry, hide it! Quick!

[Snape] Here I come. Ready or not. Well, greetings from your friendly neighbourhood tax collector.

[Dean] Oh, take it easy on me, Potions Master, w-what with this busted leg and all, you know. I-I'm way behind in me work, Potions Master.

[Snape] I know, Dean, but you're way behind with your taxes too.

[Neville] Oh, have a heart, Potions Master. Can't you see he's laid up? Come on, Dean. You'd better sit down and rest. [Coins Jangling]

[Dean] Oh, thank you. Yes.

[Snape] Let me give you a hand with that leg. Upsa-daisy. Upsa-daisy. Bingo! Ah, what they won't think of next.
It smarts, don't it, Dean? But Draco Malfoy says that taxes should hurt.

[Neville] Now see here, you-- you evil, flint-hearted leech!

[Snape] Now, now, now, now! Save your sermon, preacher. It ain't Sunday, you know. [Chuckles] Do do do-do do, They call me a slob, but I do my job Do do do-do do

[Gryffindors] Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday, dear Colin, Happy birthday To you

[Snape] Well, now, sonny, that box is done up right pretty, ain't it?

[Colin] Well, Mr. Potions Master, sir, it's my birthday present, sir.

[Snape] It sure is. Why don't you open it? Oh, boy! One whole farthing!

[McGonagall] Have you no heart? We all scrimped and saved to give it to him.


[Snape] Now that's mighty "thoughty" of you, "widder" woman. The family that saves together pays together. Oh, now, don't take it so hard, sonny. Draco Malfoy wishes you a happy birthday too.

[Ron] Alms, alms, alms for the poor.


[Snape] Hmm. Well. Well, so far it's been a cheerful morning. Keep savin'!

[McGonagall] What a dirty trick. You poor old man. Do come in. Come in and rest yourself.

[Ron] Thank ye kindly, Mother. Thank ye. Tell me now. Did me old ears hear someone singin' a birthday ditty?

[Colin] [Sniffling] Yes, sir. And that mean old Potions Master took my birthday present.

[Ron] Did he now? But be a stouthearted little lad, and don't let it get ya down.

[Colin] Gee whiz! It's Ron Weasley!

[Ron] Happy birthday, son!

[Lavender] Oh, he's so handsome, just like his reward posters.


[Ron] Tell me, young man, how old are you today?

[Colin] Gosh, I'm seven years old, goin' on eight.

[Ron] Seven? Well, that does make you the man of the house, and I've got just the right present for you.

[Colin] For me? Gee, thanks, Mr. Ron Weasley, sir. Hey, how do I look? Huh?

[Lavender] Not much like Mr. Ron Weasley.

[Ron] She's right. There is something missing. There you go.

[Colin] Boy, oh, boy. Now how do I look?


[Lavender] The hat's too big.

[McGonagall] Shh! Mind your manners.

[Parvati] Yes, mind your "mattles."

[Ron] Don't worry. You'll grow into it, young man.

[Colin] Oo-de-lally! I'm gonna try it out. Good-bye, Mr. Ron Weasley!

[Lavender] Come again on my birthday!

[McGonagall] Oh, you have made his birthday a wonderful one. How can I ever thank you?

[Ron] I only wish I could do more. Here. And keep your chin up. Someday there'll be happiness again in Hogwarts. You'll see.

[Ron] Oh, Ron Weasley. You've risked so much to keep our hopes alive. Bless you. Bless you.

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Dennis] Gee, did Ron Weasley really give it to you?

[Colin] Yeah, and this is his own hat too.

[Dennis] Gee, I'd sure like to shoot your bow and arrow. Let me try it, Colin.

[Colin] Oh, no, you don't? I'm gonna shoot it first.

[Dennis] You're pointin' it too high.

[Colin] I'm not either. Watch this.


[Lavender] Uh-oh. Now you done it. Right in Draco Malfoy’s backyard.

[Parvati] Colin, you can't go in there.

[Dennis] Yeah. Draco Malfoy will chop off your head. Like this.

[Colin] Oh, I don't care. I gotta get my arrow.

[Lavender] Wait a minute. Dennis might tattle on you.

[Colin] Yeah, Dennis. You gotta take the oath.

[Dennis] An oath?

[Lavender] Put your hand on your heart and cross your eyes. Spiders, snakes and a lizard head.

[Dennis] Spiders, snakes and a lizard's head.

[Lavender] If I tattletale, I'll die till I'm dead.

[Dennis] If I tattletale, I'll die till I'm dead.

[Women Giggling]

[Ginny] It's your turn to serve, Hermione dear.

[Hermione] Are you ready, Ginny?

[Ginny] Oh, as your lady-in-waiting, I'm waiting.

[Laughing]

[Ginny] I'm getting too old for this.

[Hermione] Ginny, that was a good shot.

[Ginny] You're not bad yourself, dear. Oh, my girdle's killing me. [Laughs]

[Hermione] Where is it? Did you lose it?

[Ginny] It must be in there someplace.

[Hermione] Oh, Ginny, you look so silly.

[Ginny] Oh, look. There it is behind you.

[Hermione] Oh! Well, hello.

[Ginny] Where did you come from?

[Colin] Oh, please don't tell Draco Malfoy. McGonagall said he'll chop off my head.

[Hermione] Oh, don't be afraid. You've done nothing wrong.

[Ginny] Oh, Hermione, what a bonny wee bunny.

[Hermione] Who does this young archer remind you of?

[Ginny] Well, upon my word, the notorious Ron Weasley.


[Hermione] That's right. Only Ron Weasley wears a hat like that.

[Colin] Yeah, and look at this keen Ron Weasley bow.

[Ginny] Oh, Hermione, don't look around, but I do believe we're surrounded.


[Hermione] Oh, mercy!

[Lavender] He snitched on us.

[Hermione] It's all right, children. Don't be afraid. Please come here.

[Dennis] Do you think it's safe?

[Lavender] That's Maid Hermione. McGonagall said she's awful nice. Come on!

[Parvati] Hey, you guys, not so fast. Wait for me.

[Dennis] I told Colin he was shooting too high.

[Hermione] I'm so very glad he did. Now I get to meet all of you.

[Parvati] Gee, you're very beautiful.

[Lavender] Are you gonna marry Ron Weasley?

[Parvati] McGonagall said you and Ron Weasley are sweethearts.


[Hermione] Well, um-- [Laughs] You see, that was several years ago before I left for London.

[Lavender] Did he ever kiss you?

[Hermione] Well, uh, no. But he carved our initials on this tree. I remember it so well.

[Dennis] You gonna have any kids? My mom gots a lot of kids.

[Hermione] Oh, he's probably forgotten all about me.


[Colin] Oh, not Ron Weasley. I bet he'll storm the castle gates, fight the guards, rescue ya and drag you off to the Forbidden Forest.

[Ginny] Now just a moment there, young man. You've forgotten Draco Malfoy.

[Colin] That old Draco Malfoy don't scare me none.

[Dennis] I'm scared of Draco Malfoy. He's cranky.

[Ginny] Ah, ah, ah, ah! I, Draco Malfoy, challenge you to a duel. Hey, hey!


[Colin] Take that! And that! And this! Death to tyrants!

[Ginny] Och! Och, och!

[Colin] Slice him to pieces!

[Hermione] Oh, save me, my hero. Save me.

[Ginny] Oh! Ouch! That's not fair. Mommy!

[Lavender] That's Draco Malfoy, all right. [Laughing]

[Colin] Yahoo! Now I got ya!

[Ginny] Och, mercy! Mercy! Oh! Oh, he got me. I'm dying.

[Colin] Oh! Did I hurt you? Huh?

[Ginny] No, this is the part where you drag your lady fair off to the Forbidden Forest.

[Colin] Come on, lady fair! Let's go!

[Hermione] Oh, Ron, you're so brave and impetuous. Oh. [Panting] So this is the Forbidden Forest.

[Colin] Yeah, I guess so. Well, now what are we gonna do?

[Hermione] Well, usually the hero gives his fair lady a kiss.

[Colin] A kiss? Oh, that's sissy stuff.

[Hermione] Well, if you won't, then I will.


[Lavender] They're kissing! [Giggling]

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Ginny] Ah, me. Young love. Oh, it's a grand thing.

[Hermione] Oh, Ginny, surely he must know how much I still love him.

[Ginny] But, of course, my dear. Believe me, someday soon, Professor Dumbledore, will have an outlaw for an in-law.


[Hermione] Oh, Ginny. But when? When?

[Ginny] Oh, patience, my dear. Patience. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[Hermione] Or forgetful. Oh, I've been away so long. What if he's forgotten all about me?


~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Harry] Hey, lover boy. How's that grub comin'? Man, I'm starved. Ron? Ron? Ronald?


[Ron] Hey! - Hmm? What? What do you say?

[HarryAw, forget it. Your mind's not on food. You're thinkin' about somebody with long eyelashes, and you're smellin' that sweet perfume.



[Harry] Hey, whoa! It's boiling over! You're burnin' the chow!

[Ron] Sorry, Harry. Guess I was thinking about Maid Hermione again. I can't help it. I love her, Harry.

[Harry] Look, why don't you stop moonin' and mopin' around? Just-- Just marry the girl.

[Ron] Marry her? You don't just walk up to a girl, hand her a bouquet and say, "Hey, remember me? We were kids together. Will you marry me?" [Chuckling] No. It just isn't done that way.

[Harry] Aw, come on, Ronnie. Climb the castle walls. Sweep her off her feet. Carry her off in style.

[Ron] [Sighing] It's no use, Harry. I've thought it all out, and... it just wouldn't work. Besides, what have I got to offer her?

[Harry] Well, for one thing, you can't cook.

[Ron] I'm serious, Harry. She's a highborn lady of quality.

[Harry] So she's got class? So what?

[Ron] I'm an outlaw, that's what. That's no life for a lovely lady. Always on the run.

What kind of a future is that?

[Neville] Oh, for heaven's sake, son. You're no outlaw. Why, someday you'll be called a great hero.

[Ron] A hero? Do you hear that, Harry? We've just been pardoned.

[Harry] [Laughs] That's a gas. We ain't even been arrested yet.

[Neville] All right. Laugh, you two rogues. But there's gonna be a big to-do in Hogwarts. Old Draco Malfoy’s havin' a championship archery tournament tomorrow.


[Ron] Archery tournament? Ha!

[Harry] Old Ron could win that standin' on his head, huh, Ron?

[Ron] Thank you, Harry Potter. But I'm sure we're not invited.

[Harry] No, but there's somebody... who'll be very disappointed if you don't come.

[Ron] [Chuckling] Yeah, old bushel britches, the Honorable Potions Master.

[Harry] No, Maid Hermione.

[Ron] Maid Hermione?

[Harry] Yeah. She-- She's gonna give a kiss to the winner.

[Ron] Kiss to the winner!

Oo-de-lally! Come on, Harry! What are we waiting for?

[Harry] Wait a minute, Ron. Hold it. That place will be crawlin' with soldiers.

[Ron] Aha! But, remember. faint hearts never won fair ladies


fear not, my friends this will be my greatest performance

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Draco] Nagini, this is a red-letter day A coup d'etat, to coin a Norman phrase.

[Nagini] Oh, yes, indeed, sire. Your plan to capture Ron Weasley in public is sheer genius.

[Draco] Nagini, no one sits higher than the Headmaster. Must I remind you, Nagini? [Clicking Tongue]

[Nagini] Oh, oh, forgive me, sire. I-I didn't mean to--

[Draco] My trap is baited and set... and then revenge! Ah, revenge!

[Nagini] Shh! Not so loud, sire. Remember, only you and I know, and your secret is my secret.

[Draco] Stop! [Laughs] Stop hissing in my ear. Secret? What secret?

[Nagini] Why, the capture of Ron Weasley, sire.

[Draco] That insolent blackguard. Ooh! I'll show him who wears the crown!

[Nagini] I share your loathing, sire. That scurrilous scoundrel who fooled you with that silly disguise, who dared to rob you and made you look so utterly ridiculous--

[Draco] Enough! Nagini, you deliberately dodged.

[Nagini] But-- B-But-- Sire, please.

[Draco] Stop snivelling and hold still.

[Nagini] Thank you, sire.

[Hermione] Oh, Ginny, I'm so excited. But how will I recognize him?

[Ginny] Och, he'll let you know somehow. That young rogue of yours is full of surprises, my dear.

[Ron] There she is, Harry Potter. Isn't she beautiful?

[Harry] Cool it, lover boy. Your heart's runnin' away with your head.

[Ron] Oh, stop worrying. This disguise would fool my own mother.

[Harry] [Chuckling] Yeah, but your mom ain't here. You gotta fool old bushel britches.

[Ron] Potions Master? Your Honor?

[Snape] Yeah.

[Ron] Meetin' ya face-to-face is a real treat. A real treat.

[Snape] Well, now, thank you. [Chuckling]

[Ron] Oh, excuse me. I gotta go win this tournament.

[Harry] Hey, old Ron's not a bad actor. But wait till he sees this scene I lay on Draco Malfoy. Ah! Me lord. My esteemed royal sovereign of the realm. The head man himself. You're beautiful.

[Draco] [Laughs] He has style, eh, Nagini?

[Harry] [Laughing] You took the words right out of my mouth, D.M.

[Draco] "D.M."! I like that. Do you know I do? Nagini, put it on my luggage. D.M. [Laughing] D.M. Yes.

[Nagini] Hmpf! And you? Who might you be, sir?

[Harry] I am Sir Reginald, duke of Chutney.

And don't stick your tongue out at me, kid. And now, Your Mightiness, allow me to lay some protocol on you.

[Draco] Oh, no. Uh, forgive me, but I lose more jewels that way than-- Please sit down.

[Harry] Thanks, D.M. Couldn't get a better seat than this, could you? The royal box. Oh! Hey! Hey, wait a minute! What's-- Oh, excuse me, buster.

[Nagini] "Buster"? You, sir, have taken my seat.

[Draco] Nagini, with you around, who needs a court jester? Now get out there and keep your snake eyes open for you know who.

[Nagini] You-- You mean, I-- I'm being dismissed?

[Harry] You heard His Mightiness. Move it, creepy. Get lost. Begone, long one.

[Nagini] What cheek! "Creepy"? "Buster"? "Long one"? Who does that dopey duke think he is? Now he's up to somethin'!

[Ron] Ah, Your Ladyship. Beggin' your pardon, but it's a great honor... to be shootin' for the favor of a lovely lady like yourself I hopes I win the kiss.


[Hermione] Oh! Well, thank you, my thin-legged archer. [Chuckling] I wish you luck, [Whispering] with all my heart.


[Death Eater] Your Highness, with your royal permission, we are ready to begin.

[Draco] Proceed, Captain!

[Death Eater] The tournament of the golden arrow will now begin.





[Draco] A perfect bull's-eye. Well, well.

[Harry] [Laughs] Yeah. That's what you call pullin' it back and lettin' it go, D.M.

[Ron] I'm gonna win that golden arrow, and then I'm gonna present meself to the lovely Maid Hermione and--

[Snape] Listen, scissorbill, if you shoot... half as good as you blabbermouth, you're better'n Ron Weasley.

[Ron] Ron Weasley, he says! Wowee! I'm tiptop, all right, but I'm not as good as he is.

[Harry] [Laughing] That kid's got class, ain't he, D.M.?

[Draco] Indeed he has, Reggie. [Laughs] Bravo! Uh, bravo! Yes.

[Ron] Oh, um, by the way. I hear you're havin' a bit of trouble gettin' your hands on that Ron Weasley.

[Snape] He's scared of me, that's what he is. You notice he didn't show up here today. Huh! I could spot him through them phony disguises.

[Nagini] It's him! It's Ron Weasley!

[Laughs] I just can't wait till I tell His Majesty. Unhand me, you-- [Grunts] Please, please! I don't drink!

[Death Eater] Attention, everyone. The final contestants are... the Honorable Potions Master...

[Crowd Booing]

and the spindle-legged stork from Devonshire.
[Crowd Cheering]

[Draco] My dear, I suspect you favor the gangly youth, hmm?


[Hermione] Uh, why, yes, sire. Well, at least he amuses me.

[Draco] [Laughs] Coincidently, my dear young lady, he amuses me too. [Laughing]

[Death Eater] For the final shoot-out, move the target back paces.

[Snape] You heard him, Crabbe! Get goin'! Move it, you birdbrain. And remember what you're supposed to do.

[Crabbe] Yes, sir, Potions Master, sir.

[Crowd Booing]
[Snape] [Chuckling] Well, that shot wins the golden arrow, the kiss and the whole caboodle.
[Chuckling]

[Crowd Gasping]
[Crowd Cheering]

[Harry] Yea! He did it, he did it, he did it!


[Draco] Archer, I commend you, and because of... your superior skill, you shall get what is coming to you. Our royal congratulations.

[Ron] Oh, thank you kindly, Your Highness. Meetin' you face-to-face, Your High and Mighty, is a real treat.

[Draco] Release the royal fingers. Ah! And now I name you... the winner,

or, more appropriately, [Laughs] the loser!

Seize him.





[Draco] I sentence you to sudden, instant and even... immediate death!

[Hermione] [Gasps] Oh, no! Oh! Please. Please, sire. I beg of you to spare his life. Please have mercy.

[Draco] My dear emotional lady, why should I?

[Hermione] Because I love him, Your Highness.


[Draco] "Love him"? And does this prisoner return your love?

[Ron] Hermione, my darling, I love you more than life itself.




[Draco] [Chuckles] Ah, young love. Your pleas have not fallen upon a heart of stone. But traitors to the Crown must die!


[Ron] Traitor to the Crown? That crown belongs to Professor Dumbledore. Long live Professor Dumbledore!

[Crowd] Long live Professor Dumbledore!

[Draco] Enough! I am Headmaster! Headmaster! Headmaster! Ah! Off with his head! [Sniffling] Oh, no! Stop! Executioner, stop! Hold your ax!

[Harry] Okay, big shot. Now tell them to untie my buddy, or I'll--
[Draco] [Grunts] Potions Master, release my buddy-- [Grunts] I mean, release the prisoner!

Untie the prisoner?

[Ginny] You heard what he said, bushel britches.

[Draco] Potions Master, I make the rules, and since I am the head man-- Not so hard, you mean thing. Let him go, for heaven's sakes! Let him go!

[Cheering]


[Ron] I owe my life to you, my darling.


[Hermione] I couldn't have lived without you, Ron.

[Snape] There's somethin' funny goin' on around here.

[Harry] Now, D.M., tell my pal to kiss Maid Hermione, or I've just found a new pincushion.

[Draco] Why, you!

[Hermione] Help! Ron, help!

[Ron] Hermione, my love, will you marry me?

[Hermione] Oh, darling, I thought you'd never ask me. But you could have chosen a more romantic setting.

[Ron] And for our honeymoon, London.

[Hermione] Yes!

[Ron] Normandy! Sunny Spain!

[Hermione] Yes! Why not?

[Ginny] Ooh, what a main event this is.


[Ron] We'll have six children

[Hermione] Six? Oh, a dozen at least. [Chuckling]

[Ginny] Take that!

Ooh! - Take that, you scurvy knave!

[Snape] Seize the fat one!

[Ginny] Long live Professor Dumbledore!

[Draco] Nagini! You're never around when I need you!

[Nagini] [Echoing] Coming. Coming. [Laughs] For I'm a jolly good fellow For I'm a jolly good--Oh! Oh, there you are, old boy! D.M., you won't believe this, but the stork is really Ron Weasley.



[Draco] Get out of that if you can.

~^~~^~~^~~^~

Love It seems like only yesterday

You were just a child at play
Now you're all grown up
Inside of me
Oh, how fast those moments flee
Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief
But when it's gone

Love goes on and on
Love will live

Love will last
Love goes on
And on and on
Once we watched a lazy world go by
Now the days seem to fly
Life is brief
But when it's gone
Love goes on and on

[Hermione] Oh, Ron, what a beautiful night. I wish it would never end.

[Harry] Surprise!






[Neville] Long live Ron Weasley!

[Luna] Hooray!


[Neville] And long live Maid Hermione! Bravo!


[Harry] Bravo!

[Ginny] And down with that scurvy Draco Malfoy!

[Harry] Oh, the world will sing of an English Headmaster a thousand years from now
And not because he passed some laws or had that lofty brow
While bonny good Professor Dumbledore leads the great crusade he's on
We'll all have to slave away for that good-for-nothin' Draco
Incredible as he is inept

Whenever the history books are kept
They'll call him the phony Headmaster of Hogwarts
A pox on that phony Headmaster of Hogwarts

He sits alone on the giant throne pretendin' he's the Headmaster
A little tyke who's rather like a puppet on a string
And he throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way
And then he calls for Mom while he's suckin' his thumb.
You see, he doesn't wanna play.

Too late to be known as Draco the First
He's sure to be known as Draco the Worst
A pox on that phony Headmaster of Hogwarts.

While he taxes us to pieces and he robs us of our bread
Professor Dumbledore's crown keeps slippin' down around that pointed head
Ah, but while there is a merry man in Ron's wily pack
We'll find a way to make him pay and steal our money back

A minute before he knows we're there
[Stops] - Old Ron'll snatch his underwear.


The breezy and uneasy Headmaster of Hogwarts
The snivelin', grovelin'
Measly, weaselly
Blabberin', jabberin'
Jibberin', jabberin'
Plunderin', plottin'
Wheelin', dealin'
Draco Malfoy That phony Headmaster of Hogwarts

~^~~^~~^~~^~


[Snape] He throws an angry tantrum if he cannot have his way
He calls for Mom and sucks his thumb and doesn't want to play
Too late to be known as John the First
He's sure to be known as John the Worst
How about that?

[Nagini] That's D.M. to a "T." Let me try. Let me try. [Clears Throat]


Too late to be known as Draco the First
He's sure to be known as Draco the Worst
The fabulous, marvelous, merciful, chivalrous--

[Snape] Oh, you got it all wrong, Nagini.
The snivelin', grovelin', weaselly, measly--

[Draco] Enough!

[Nagini] But-But, sire, it's a big hit. The whole village is singin' it.

[Draco] Oh, they are, are they? Well, they'll be singing a different tune. Double the taxes! Triple the taxes!

Squeeze every last drop... out of those insolent, musical peasants!

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Seamus] Man, oh, man. Draco Malfoy sure made good his threat, - [Thunderclap] and his helpless subjects paid dearly... for his humiliation, believe me. Taxes, taxes, taxes. Why, he taxed the heart and soul out of the poor people of Hogwarts.



[Guitar] - And if you couldn't pay your taxes, you went to jail. Yep, I'm in here too. Hogwarts was in deep trouble.
Every town, Has its ups and downs
Sometimes ups, Outnumber the downs
But not in Hogwarts, I'm inclined to believe
If we weren't so down, We'd up and leave
We'd up and fly, If we had wings for flyin'
Can't you see the tears we're cryin'
Can't there be some happiness, For me, Not in Hogwarts

[Luna] Neville, I don't think anyone is coming.


[Neville] You're right, Sexton, but maybe the sound of this church bell... will bring those poor people some comfort. We must do what we can to keep their hopes alive.

[Luna] Oh, how can there be any hope with that tyrant Draco Malfoy... taxing the heart and soul out of the poor people?

[Neville] Yes, those poor people. Look, our poor box is like our church - empty.

[Luna] Neville, we've saved this. It's not much, but please take it for the poor.

[Neville] Your last farthing? Aw, little sister, no one can give more than that. Bless you both.

[Luna] Oh, we were just saving it for a rainy day.

[Neville] Well, it's rainin' now. Things can't get worse.

[Snape] Howdy, Friar. Well, it looks like I dropped by just in time.

[Luna] What does that big-bellied bully want?

[Snape] Hmm. Well, what have we got here?

[Neville] Now, just a minute, Potions Master! Th- Th- That's the poor box!

[Snape] It sure is, and I'll just take it for poor Draco Malfoy. Every little bit helps.

[Luna] Oooh, you put that back!


[Snape] And His Majesty also blesses you, little sister.

[Neville] You thievin' scoundrel!

[Snape] Now, take it easy, Friar. I'm just doin' my duty.

[Neville] Collectin' taxes for that arrogant, greedy, ruthless, no-good Draco Malfoy?

[Snape] Listen, Friar, you're mighty preachy, and you're gonna preach your neck right into a hangman's noose.

[Neville] Get out of my church! Out! Out! Out! Out! - Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, dear me. You want taxes? I'll give you taxes!

[Luna] Give it to him! Give it to him! Give it to him, Friar!

[Snape] You're under arrest for high treason to the crown.


[Luna] Oh, no!

[Seamus] Every town
Has its ups and downs
Sometimes ups
Outnumber the downs
But not in Hogwarts

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Nagini] Sire, if I may-- may venture an opinion, you're not your usual cheerful, genial self today. I-I-I know. I know. You haven't counted your money for days, hmm? It always makes you so happy.


Sire, taxes are pouring in, the jail is full. And, oh, I have good news, sire. Neville is in jail.

[Draco] Neville? It's Ron Weasley I want, you idiot! I'd give all my gold if I could just get my hands-- Did you say Neville?

[Nagini] Did I? Y-Y-Yes, I did.

[Draco] Ah! Nagini, I have it! I'll use that fat friar as bait to trap Ron Weasley.

[Nagini] Another trap?

[Draco] Yes, yes, you stupid serpent. Neville will be led to the gallows in the village square, don't you see?

[Nagini] B-B-But, sire, hang Neville, a man of the church?

[Draco] Yes, my reluctant reptile. And when our elusive hero tries to rescue... the corpulent cleric, [Laughing] my men will be ready.

[Thunderclap]

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Snape] Well, Goyle, everything's rigged up and all set.

[Goyle] Yep, it's one of the prettiest scaffolds you ever built, Potions Master.


[Crabbe] Potions Master, don't you reckon we oughta give that there trapdoor a test?

[Snape] Criminently. Now I know why your mama called you "Crabbe."

[Ron] Alms. Alms for the poor. Do me old ears hear the melodious voice... of the Potions Master?

[Snape] That's right, old man.

[Ron] What be going on here?

[Snape] We're gonna hang Neville.

[Ron] No! Hang Friar-- Hang Neville?

[Snape] You betcha. At dawn.

[Crabbe] And maybe it'll even be a double hangin'.

[Goyle] Shh, shh. Dummy up, you dummy.

[Ron] A double hangin', eh? Who'll be the other one who gets the rope?

[Goyle] Potions Master, he's gettin' too all-fired nosy.

[Ron] Oh, I didn't mean nothin'. But, um, couldn't there be trouble... if Ron Weasley showed up?

[Crabbe] Well, wouldn't you know, Potions Master, he guessed it.

[Snape] Crabbe, button your beak.

[Ron] Ah, no need to worry. The Potions Master be too crafty, too clever and too smart... for the likes of him, says I.

[Snape] Ya hear that, Crabbe? For bein' blind, he sure knows a good man... when he sees one, says I.

[Goyle] Potions Master, I still got a feelin'... that that snoopy old codger knows too much.

[Snape] Oh, shut up, Goyle. He's just a harmless old blind beggar.

[Ron] Alms.

Alms for the poor. Alms.
Alms for the poor.

[Harry] Ron, we can't let 'em hang Neville.


[Ron] A jailbreak tonight is the only chance he's got.

[Harry] A jailbreak? There ain't no way you can get him.

[Ron] We've got to, Harry, or Neville dies at dawn.

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Crabbe] : and all's well!
[Clock Chiming Three Times]

[Goyle] Crabbe, you'd better set your brains ahead a couple of hours.

[Crabbe] Yes, sir. Uh, does that there mean addin' or subtractin'?

[Snape] Oh, let's forget it

[Crabbe] Yes, sir, Potions Master, sir.

[Snape] Crabbe, how can I sleep with you yelling "All's well" all the time here?

[Goyle] Potions Master, everything ain't "all's well." I got a feelin' in my bones there's gonna be a jailbreak any minute.

[Snape] Criminently, Goyle! Point that peashooter the other way.

[Goyle] Don't you worry none, Potions Master. The safety's on Old Betsy.

{Snape] What in tarnation you tryin' to do, you birdbrain?

[Goyle] Just doin' my duty, Potions Master.

[Snape] You and that itchy Goyle finger of yours.

[Muffled Scream]

[Goyle] Hey, did you hear that?

[Snape] Sure did, Goyle. There's something funny going on around here. Come on. You cover me. Wait a minute. Is the safety on Old Betsy?

[Goyle] You bet it is, Potions Master.

[Snape] That's what I'm afraid of. You go first. All right, you in there, come out with your hands up.

[Goyle] Yeah, reach for the sky.

[Ron] Just you watch this "preformance", partner.

[Harry] Be careful, Ron.

[Crabbe] Jehoshaphat, Goyle. Put that peashooter down.

[Snape] Aw, shucks, Goyle, it's only Crabbe. And criminently, get back to your patrol.

[Goyle] On the double. Get!

[Crabbe] I'm a-gettin'.

[Snape] That Goyle. He's gettin' everybody edgy. Nothing's gonna happen. That fat friar... is gonna dangle from the gallows come daybreak.


[Ron] Potions Master, why don't you just sit yourself down here kind of cozy-like?

[Snape] Well, thank you, Crabbe.

[Ron] Just close your sleepy little eyeballs. The sandman's a-comin'.

[Snoring]

[Ron] Why don't you, uh, let me loosen that belt?

Rock-a-bye, Potions Master Just you relax

[Snoring]

[Snape] Oh, Crabbe, that's mighty sweet. Sing it one more time, would you?

[Ron] Rock-a-bye, Potions Master Just you relax [Humming]
[Snoring Resumes]

[Goyle] Wait a minute! Jailbreak! Jailbreak! I heard it! I heard it, Potions Master! The door! The door!

[Snape] Now, for the last time, no more false alarms. –

[Goyle] Ow!

[Harry] Now, you release Neville and the others...

and I'll drop in on the royal treasury.

[Neville] Oh, Harry Potter, it can't be!

[Harry] Shh, quiet. We're bustin' out of here. - Thank God.


[Neville] My prayers have been answered.


[Colin] I'm ready. Where's the bad guys?

[Harry] Take it easy, son.

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Draco Malfoy Snoring]

[Nagini hissing]

[Draco] Ron Weasley! [Laughing] I'll get even. I'll get--
[Snorts, Grumbles]
[Snoring] It's Ron Weasley I-- I want. Praise the Lord and pass the tax rebate! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[Draco] Guards! Guards! My gold! Oh, no, no, no. They're getting away with my gold. Guards! Guards!

[Harry] Everybody, this way! That's all of them. Get going. On to the Forbidden Forest!

[McGonagall] Stop! My Parvati!

[Parvati] Professor, professor, wait for me.

[Draco] We got him now! This time, we got him for sure.

Shoot him!

Kill him! Kill him!

[Harry] Come on, Ron. Come on.


[Colin] He's just gotta make it.

[Harry] No! No. No.

[Draco] Nagini, he's finished! Done for! La, la, la [Laughing]

[Colin] He's gonna make it, isn't he, Harry Potter?

[Harry] Hey, what's that?

[Colin] Harry Potter, look it! Look it!


[Harry] Hey, what the-- [Laughs] Oh, man, did you have me worried, Ron. I thought you were long gone.

[Colin] Ah, not Ron Weasley. He could've swum twice that far, huh, Mr. Ron Weasley, sir?


[McGonagall] Look, Neville! Look! He's made it. He got away again.

[Ron and Colin] A pox on that phony Headmaster of Hogwarts! Oo-de-lally! Oo-de-lally!

[Draco] Oh, no. It's so miserably unfair.

[Nagini] Well, I tried to tell you, but, no, no, no, you wouldn't listen. Your traps never work, and look what you've done to your mother's castle.
[Draco] [Screaming] Mommy!


[Nagini] [Screams] Sire, no!

[Draco] You cowardly cobra!

[Nagini] Please! Oh, no!

[Draco] Procrastinating python! Aggravating asp!

[Nagini] Save me!

[Draco] You eel in snake's clothing!

[Nagini] Help! He's gone stark raving mad!

~^~~^~~^~~^~

[Seamus] You know, I thought we'd never get rid of those two rascals, but lucky for us folks, Professor Dumbledore returned, and, well, he just straightened everything out.



Say, we'd better get over to the church. Sounds like somebody's gettin' hitched.

[All] Long live Ron Weasley!


Long live Professor Dumbledore!

[Dumbledore] Oh, Neville, it appears that I now have an outlaw for an in-law.


[Lavender] Gee, Colin, how come you're goin'?


[Colin] Well, Ron Weasley's gonna have kids, so somebody's gotta keep their eye on things.

[Ginny] I've never been so happy.

[Crabbe] Hey, here come the bride, Goyle. Present arms!



[Seamus] Well, folks, that's the way it really happened.
Love goes on and on
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally Golly, what a day
Oo-de-lally, Oo-de-lally Golly, what a day