Irony - H/R - R
Title: Irony
Author: shocfix
Pairing: Harry/Ron
Rating: R-ish

This is for my beloved rosina_alcona’s birthday, and is a sequel to Steam and Damp.

It was beta-ed and snorted at by the uber-sexy magicofisis.


Irony
****
Ron and Hermione sat in the kitchen at the Burrow having a last cup of tea before bedtime. They were both too irritated to go up to bed. Harry had been driving them mad all day.

“I almost miss him shouting at us all the time, Ron. This sarcastic Harry is too Draco Malfoy for my taste.”

“I know he can be sarcastic, but I don’t think he said a single word today that wasn’t sarcastic.” Ron sighed.

“He was downright nasty about my dress, Ron,” Hermione said. “He said he was being ironic, but he wasn’t.”

“Yeah, he pretended to compliment my flying when we played Quidditch with Ginny and the twins, but he was just being facetious.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Ron,” said Hermione, tentatively, “but are the two of you getting on ok?”

“Yeah, honest, better than ever,” said Ron, not quite meeting her eye.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” she asked.

“No!” said Ron, quickly.

Just then, the kitchen door opened and Harry came in, wearing his old pyjamas, hair sticking up everywhere.

“Why are you two still up?” he asked, “Maybe I should be jealous? What has Hermione got that I haven’t? Or, rather, what hasn’t she got, that I have?”

“OK, Harry, that is enough!” spluttered a very irate Hermione, “What is wrong with you today? Why are you the King or Sarcasm all of a sudden?”

“Sarcastic? Me? You’re kidding. I-don’t-know-Hermione-I-can’t-stop-help-me,” he finished in a small voice.

“Oh my! Ron, something really is wrong! Harry, what happened?”

“Yeah, like I’d tell you,” Harry smirked. “It-started-last-night.”

“What happened… oh, never mind. Ron, what happened last night?”

Ron looked shifty. “What d’you mean ‘happened’?” he asked.

“Well, anything out of the ordinary? Anything new?”

“New,” said Ron, biting his lip. “New.”

“Well?” said Hermione, rather impatiently.

“OK, yeah, something new happened last night. But it can’t be anything to do with… that.” Ron wouldn’t meet her eye.

“Ron!”

“Look, Hermione, not only can it not have anything to do with… you know, but I am not discussing my and Harry’s love life with you.”

“Yeah, like you’d understand anyway, Hermione, you just don’t have the equipment. Ron-please-tell-her-I-can’t-stand-this.” Harry looked desperately at his lover, who flushed.

Ron closed his eyes and rehearsed the words under his breath, then made a strangled noise in his throat.

“Oh, OK. Fuck.”

“That would hardly be new,” said Harry, sarcastically, and whimpered.

Ron swallowed.

“Or that,” smirked Harry, and shook his head to show it wasn’t what he meant to say.

Ron glared at him, then turned to Hermione. “OK. Last night we… Harry, he… We… Hermione, do you know what ‘rimming’ is?” And he bent down and banged his head on the table.

“Oh. Oh my.” Hermione bit her lip. “And just who was the rimmer, and who the rimmee?” she asked.

“Harry… the rimmer,” Ron managed in a strangled whisper, unable to look at her at all.

“That’s interesting,” said Hermione, frowning slightly.

Ron stood up. “And now I am going to go and kill myself.”

Hermione put her hand on his arm and pulled him back down.

“Actually, I have a theory,” she said.

“No kidding,” said Harry and held his hands out, pitifully.

“Ron, did he do it confidently?”

“What…”

“Did he do it tentatively, or firmly?”

Ron rolled his eyes. “Hermione,” he begged.

“Tentatively, or firmly?”

“F..firmly, yes. So?”

“Well, he did it so firmly tongue-in-cheek, that he can’t stop!”