Girl Parts - R/Hr - P-13
Title: Girl Parts
Author: shocfix
Pairing: Ron/Hermione
Rating: PG-13
Word Count : 1118

A sequel to MrsQ’s birthday pressie, The Object.

April 9th is not a good day to write happy!domestic!fic – Edward IV died on April 9th 1483, and Edward of Middleham on April 9th 1484, so I can’t post fluffy fic and say ‘here you go, Richard III, this’ll cheer you up!’

Let’s just say Happy Birthday Seve Ballesteros, and *googles* it’s the day Cheeta arrived in New York in 1932, and I am all about the apes, today – the new smoosh name for Ginny/Pansy is gonna be Gim-pansee.


Girl Parts
****
“So, how’s my god daughter doing, today?” Harry asked, sitting at the kitchen table, feeling the warm belly of the squat teapot with one hand and Accioing a cup with the other.

Nothing happened.

He tutted.

“Either the Boy Who Lived has lost his touch, or you need to do some washing up,” he said.

Ron grunted and rinsed out a cup at the dangerously full sink.

“Way down my list of priorities,” he said.

“Still,” Harry said reasonably, pouring himself a cup of tea. “You don’t want to give the new mother food poisoning.”

“Mum’ll be here, later,” Ron said. “She’ll see to the kitchen.”

“All a bit too much for you, is it?” Harry asked patronisingly.

Ron snorted.

“I don’t remember Mum actually going home until James was a couple of months old,” he pointed out.

“Six weeks,” Harry said firmly. “She was not in the house when me and Gin...”

He nodded significantly.

Ron grunted.

“Can’t imagine that ever happening again, in this house,” he muttered.

“It’s only been a week,” Harry said comfortingly. “You’ll both be almost human, by then, trust me.”

“It’s not just the knackered, though,” Ron admitted. “It’s the. The last thing I saw her… girly parts doing.”

Harry sniggered.

“I’m serious, Harry,” Ron said. “Anything that can stretch to swallow a head… it’s like those snakes whose jaw unhinges.”

Harry blinked at him.

“You haven’t said that to Hermione, have you?” he asked faintly.

“No,” Ron said indignantly.

“You’ll forget that… charming image, honestly,” Harry assured him.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Ron protested.

“Because… Hermione’s area is so much more memorable than Ginny’s?” Harry asked.

“Because you have a boy,” Ron said darkly. “You haven’t had to Tergeo black sticky stuff or yellow… bird seed out of the world’s tiniest… girl parts.”

“Point,” Harry said. “But you haven’t had to dive behind the couch to avoid a tiny penis peeing and twirling like a garden sprinkler.”

“Give me a penis over girly parts, any day,” Ron said.

“Good to know,” Ginny said, coming into the room, turfing Harry out of his chair and stealing his tea. “Have you told Hermione?”

“Oh, go explode,” Ron said petulantly. “I meant for nappy changing.”

“That’s a nice way to talk to me,” Ginny complained, “when I got your wife and daughter to sleep and hid her books.”

“Rose’s books are in the nursery,” Ron said.

Harry laughed.

“Rose is a week old,” he said. “Why does she have books?”

“She has all Hermione’s childhood books,” Ron explained. “I had to put up shelves”

“And why does she have a nursery?” Ginny asked. “Mum is worried you’ll make the baby sleep in there.”

“Rosie’ll sleep with us,” Ron said firmly. “She only needs a room for her books. We should call it her office or her library.”

“What are her favourites?” Harry asked.

“She’s mental,” Ron said.

“Your beautiful, baby daughter?”

“My unhinged wife,” Ron said. “I counted. Two hundred books for a newborn baby. There’s loads of books about teenage girls having adventures at boarding school – why is adventures at boarding school some sort of amazing, fantastical… thinger?”

“Genre,” Ginny said.

Ron ignored her.

“And I wouldn’t call getting up early to go swimming or writing a pantomime much of an adventure,” he said. “Pitiful lack of dragons, too.”

“Any sweaty netball players comforting each other after losing a match to another school?” Harry asked.

“Harry!” Ginny protested.

“There comes a time in a man’s wife’s pregnancy,” Ron said helpfully, “when he needs sweaty netball players comforting each other.”

“Not every man’s wife has the superior ball handling skills that mine does,” Harry said.

Ginny patted his hand fondly and Ron grimaced.

“Hermione’s books didn’t agree on sex in late pregnancy,” he said. “And d’w’I want to know what ‘netball’ is? It sounds painful.”

“Same as basketball, but girlier,” Harry said.

“What’s ‘basketball’?”

“I showed you that American sport,” Harry said. “You wanted to know why they only had one hoop at each end. American blokes play it; here it’s a Muggle sport that girls play at school.”

“Like ‘baseball’,” Ron said proudly. “With the beaters’ bats.”

“Rounders for girls, yes,” Harry said.

“Anyway,” Ginny interrupted. “Hermione’s baby books are behind the door in the front room, Transfigured into a pot plant, if she gets really, really scary and wants them back, but I think she’ll feel… released from bondage.”

Ron sniggered.

“Just do whatever Rosie needs,” Ginny said firmly. “And you’ll have Hermione back to normal, very soon, I promise.”

“With girl parts that unhinge to swallow mice,” Ron muttered.

Ginny choked on Harry’s tea.

“Ron is mildly freaked out by a combination of being in charge of tiny girl parts and having watched Hermione’s girl parts stretch to swallow a baby,” Harry explained.

“She…she didn’t swallow a baby,” Ginny said faintly.

“I do know that,” Ron said. “It’s not like I have this blood soaked image of Rosie flying out and it plays backwards in my head. Much.”

Harry snorted.

“I did realise the girl parts would be compromised,” Ron said.

“Compromised?” Ginny echoed.

“I thought, ‘fair enough, boobs will be off limits for months and months, but girl parts will only be involved for a short time, and then I can play with them again’,” Ron explained. “I didn’t expect to be scared of the girl parts and have to watch the boobs take over the house.”

Ginny looked like she couldn’t decide what to berate her brother for, first.

“I think you need to reconnect with the boobs,” Harry said.

Ron boggled.

“That’s not allowed,” he whispered.

“Give her another few weeks,” Harry said wisely, “and then you can join in.”

“Join in?” Ron echoed.

“You don’t think I’m gonna want my boobs to feel neglected, even if I’m still feeding James, do you?” Ginny asked. “How d’you think I got back in this state?”

She gestured at her huge belly.

Ron blinked.

“So,” Harry said encouragingly. “You’re not scared of the boobs. Once you’ve got the hang of them again, we can try and go back to trouser snake metaphors, rather than girl parts whose jaws unhinge, yeah?”

Ron nodded vaguely, looking slightly spell shocked.

“Does Hermione know I’m allowed to access the boobs?” he asked.

“I think you should probably check with her,” Ginny said. “I doubt she’s up for any unauthorised access, just yet. And please never tell her about the swallowing a baby thing. It isn’t flattering.”

“I am so glad you had James before we did,” Ron said weakly. “I could not be the one blazing the trail with all this stuff.”

“And don’t suggest anal, as an alternative,” Ginny said darkly.