Fairies - H/R - R
Title: Fairies
Author :shocolate
Pairing(s): Harry/Ron
Words : 708
Rating: R

Written for kaalee and emmacmf, who asked nicely.


Fairies
****
“What else?” Ron asked, sitting propped against the headboard and watching Harry undress.

“Ronnnn,” Harry moaned. “Why are you interested?”

“You never know when a Muggle might call me ‘queer’,” Ron said reasonably. “I need to know what they’re talking about. I don’t feel particularly strange.”

“And there really aren’t any wizarding slang terms?” Harry asked.

“Just… ‘otherwise’,” Ron said. “As in ‘my son, George, is marrying a Muggleborn, but Ronald? Ronald is otherwise’.”

Harry huffed, took off his shirt, and sat on the end of the bed.

“Fine,” he said. “A quick guide to offensive Muggle slang.”

“Offensive?” Ron interrupted.

“Originally, yes,” Harry said.

“Well, there’s your difference,” Ron said. “It’s not offensive to wizards; it’d be like having slang terms for… liking mustard on your sausages.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, giving him a funny look. “Well. The Muggle slang’re all words that are either still absolutely horrible, or have been ‘reclaimed’ and used by the gay community.”

“Gay?” Ron asked. “As in ‘happy’?”

Harry laughed, mirthlessly. “Dunno how that one came about,” he said. “But ‘gay’ as in ‘takes it up the arse’.”

“OK,” Ron said. “I’m happy to have you take me up the arse.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Cocksucker,” he said.

“Disappointingly factual,” Ron said. “And not strictly a homosexual act; just ask Hermione.”

“I’d really rather not,” Harry said. “Um, arse-bandit.”

“You can’t be serious!” Ron scoffed.

“Am,” Harry protested.

“A Muggle’d call me an ‘arse-bandit’?”

“Yup.”

“What,” Ron said, ‘like I leap out of the bushes, hold my wand to your throat and demand your money or your arse?”

Harry laughed. “Poofter,” he offered.

Ron opened his mouth and blinked three times. “No,” he said. “Nothing funny; move on.”

Harry grinned widely. “Ginger,” he said.

“I beg your pardon?” Ron said. “A Muggle would call me ‘ginger’ and mean I’m an arse-bandit?”

‘Well,’ Harry said. ‘Hard to tell, in your case, but they’d call me ‘ginger’ and mean I’m an arse-bandit.”

“But… why?” Ron demanded. “All gorgeous red-headed men are otherwise?”

“Rhyming slang,” Harry explained. “Ginger beer, queer.”

“Their slang rhymes with their other slang?” Ron asked.

“Yeah, sometimes.”

“Rather unfair, don’t you think?” Ron said. “When you don’t know the first level?”

Harry laughed at his indignant face.

“And what’s ginger beer, anyway?” Ron asked.

“Oh Merlin,” Harry sighed. “It’s a drink. I suppose that makes it three levels of Muggledom. Pretend I said butterbeer.”

“But then the slang’d be ‘butter’, and I don’t have butter coloured hair,” Ron said. “Malfoy, maybe.”

They both sniggered.

“Any more?” Ron asked.

“Um,” Harry said. “Fairy.”

“Fairy,” Ron said, his lip twitching.

“Yes,” Harry said firmly. “Fairy.”

“Big, hairy, arse-bandit, or multi-coloured winged fairy?” Ron asked. “They can’t have it both ways.”

“That’s the thing,” Harry said. “They don’t think we have it both ways. The big, hairy arse-bandit… bandits the fluttery, multi-coloured fairy. They don’t expect two equal arse-bandits in a relationship.”

“Idiots,” Ron decided. “And I thought Muggles didn’t believe in fairies?”

“Ah, Muggle children do, a bit,” Harry explained, getting up and finishing undressing. “The Tooth Fairy is still pretty big.”

“With… huge fangs,” Ron guessed, slipping naked under the covers.

“No,” Harry said firmly. “When Muggle children lose a milk tooth, they put it under their pillow and the Tooth Fairy comes, in the night, and takes it away and leaves a coin, in its place.”

“Really?” Ron asked.

“No, not really,” Harry said, getting into bed, beside him. “It’s their parents.”

“Hmmm,” Ron said. “Makes more sense.”

Harry moved closer and tutted when Ron sat up in bed and started industriously stroking his cock.

“I was gonna offer, you know,” Harry huffed. “It’s your fault the conversation wandered. As always.”

Ron ignored him, merely wriggling to sit against the headboard and place a pillow over his lap.

Harry raised an eyebrow.

“Well,” Ron said.

“Well, what?” Harry asked.

“Aren’t you gonna ask what I’m doing?”

“No,” Harry decided. “I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“Harry,” Ron whined, as Harry closed his eyes.

“Fine,” Harry said. “Ron, what are you doing?”

“I’ve put my erection under my pillow,” Ron explained, “and I hope that the… Cock Fairy… no, the Foreskin Fairy will help me come, in the night, and take it away.”