Product Placement - R/Hr - PG-13
Title: Product Placement
Author: shocolate
Pairing: Ron/Hermione
Words: 754
Rating: PG-13

I… strange bunny, OK?

You know how I pride myself on my last lines??

Well, I love this last line more than self-plaiting cheese, and some of you will get it and groan and shake your heads and use appropriate icons.

Most of you will think it was getting quite funny and then just stopped.

I cannot help this.


Product Placement
****
Harry tumbled through the fire and ran up the stairs, to find a wild eyed Hermione pacing up and down outside her bedroom, wringing her hands.

"What happened?" he asked, skidding to a stop.

"I don't know," she said. "He won't open the door… I… I thought he'd talk to you…"

Harry sighed and rapped on the door.

"Ron?" he called. "You in there? What's wrong?"

"Go away, Harry," a low voice answered.

"Ron," Harry said threateningly.

A muffled thud and some swearing and the sound of shuffling feet preceded a shimmering as the Charms were lifted on the door and it opened a crack.

A blue eye peeped out.

"Go away, Harry," Ron said. "Please."

"Not a chance," Harry said bluntly and the door opened just far enough to let him squeeze through, before Ron flicked his wand and sealed it again.

"What's wrong?" Harry repeated, watching Ron sit gingerly on the edge of his bed, his legs spread wide apart. "What have you done?"

"I…" Ron's eyes flickered around the room and Harry frowned and looked for some evidence of a disaster of such proportions that Ron couldn't tell Hermione what he'd done.

There were no broken mirrors, dead cats or naked blondes.

Just a magical duster busying itself on the window ledge and the Hoover and a couple of its plastic brushes lying beside the bed.

"Ron," Harry said, sitting beside him. "It's me. Show me what you've done."

Ron sighed and started to unbutton his robe.

"I…" He swallowed hard. "I think I've broken my cock."

"What?" Harry asked. "Cocks don't… they're too soft to… fuck, Ron, what have you done?"

The robes parted to reveal a bruised and swollen, yet far from hard, cock nestling in damp pubes; they both stared at it.

"It doesn't look too bad," Harry said weakly. "Not… broken… a trip to St Mungo's for a Healing Charm, and maybe a…"

"Not the hospital," Ron interrupted. "Can't you do it?"

"No!" Harry said. "My Healing Charms are for roughly patching injuries up in the field. Not for…" He gestured at Ron's cock, which was visibly darkening. "Let Hermione…"

"No!" Ron interrupted. "She can't see this."

"She's seen it," Harry said patiently. "She has done all sorts of things I do not want to know about to it. She'll make it all better."

"Fine," Ron said miserably, his shoulders slumping.

"So," Harry said. "What do I tell her you've done?"

"You can't…"

"It might make a difference," Harry said firmly. "You don't have to tell Hermione; just tell me, and I'll tell her what happened, and she'll know what to do."

Ron admitted defeat and told him and Harry listened carefully, swallowing his laughter, before blinking audibly and leaving the room to find Hermione.

He didn't have to go far, as she was lurking right outside the door.

"What happened?" she said immediately. "Did he tell you?"

"Yeah," Harry said, unable to quite meet her eyes. "He… he's… bruised himself. Quite, quite bruised. Rather… unpleasant. He won't go to hospital, but I've got him to agree to let you heal it."

"Bruised himself where?" Hermione demanded. "What can he not show me?"

"Bruised his co…" Harry stopped and blinked. "His… penis."

"Excuse me?" Hermione gasped.

"It's really not a pretty sight," Harry said weakly.

"How did he do it?" Hermione asked.

"He… you asked him to tidy the bedroom and he… I dunno why he didn't just Charm…" Harry sighed heavily. "The Hoover. He was using the Hoover, with one of the brush attachment thingies, and it was sucking and he's a bloke and it was sucking, and he tried putting his cock down it."

"The Hoover?" Hermione echoed.

Harry nodded.

"Sucking his…"

"Yes."

"Why on earth would he…"

"Because he's a bloke and the sucking and…. He's in a lot of pain, Hermione," Harry said.

"I'll go and heal it," Hermione said, looking half amused and half revolted.

"Good," Harry said. "I just want to know why he was Hoovering, instead of doing it with magic."

"I have no idea," Hermione said. "Unless…"

"What?"

"Well, I was using it, yesterday," Hermione said slowly, "and I called it the 'vacuum cleaner' and he hadn't realised that 'Hoover' was a brand name."

"So?" Harry asked.

"Well, wizards don't have the same scientific vocabulary, do they?" Hermione said. "I explained a vacuum to him and, well, he was absolutely fascinated by that word, I know. I suppose because he'd never come across one with two U's together before."
****
Note: I suppose the rest of you deserve an explanation, for just falling off the end of a fic…

Equus Act One, Scene Seven…

DORA We’ve always been a horsey family. At least my side of it has. My grandfather used to ride every morning, all dressed up in bowler hat and jodhpurs! He used to look splendid. Indulging in equitation, he called it.

ALAN (trying the word) Equitation.

DORA I remember I told him how that came from equus, the Latin word for horse. Alan was fascinated by that word, I know. I suppose because he’d never come across one with two U’s together before.

ALAN (savouring it) Equus!