shocfix (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} shocfix) wrote,@ 2001-01-10 01:00:00 |
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A valid question - PG-13
Title: A valid question
Author:shocfix
Pairing: loads
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1100
Happy Birthdayjunesrose!
I said I was having problems writing Harry/Hermione and you said you’d take any pairing except don’t mention “Filch, Dobby, Winky, Hagrid, Moldyvort…”
Snorted at by my adorablerosina_alcona, so it is officially funny!
A valid question
****
“D’you reckon Filch has had sex,” Ron asked, suddenly, making the other boys in the seventh year dorm choke.
“Ron!” Harry said. “What are you trying to do to us?”
Ron sat up on his bed and looked at them, earnestly. “No, it’s a valid question.”
“No, it fucking isn’t,” interrupted Seamus. “I am lying here, pleasantly drunk, and you are lying there thinking about Filch having sex.”
“I am not,” Ron replied, with as much dignity as he could manage. “I am wondering if he has had sex.”
“Yes, but why?” wailed Neville.
“Because I am seventeen and Merlin, I want to have sex. And he was seventeen once, and he and his mates must have talked about sex the whole time, and he must have thought, ‘One day I’ll do it’, and it’s just a bit sad if he’s still waiting.”
“No. No it isn’t,” said Harry, shaking his head.
“No, it’s survival of the fittest,” agreed Dean. “The human race does not need Filch to procreate.”
“Anyway, I always wondered about his cat,” mused Neville.
They all turned to stare at him. “What?” he asked.
“Anyway,” continued Ron. “Not Filch, necessarily. All teenage boys think about sex, and I guess most of them do it, eventually, but do the ones that are doomed to celibacy realise it?”
“Well, I never felt doomed, and I was right,” Seamus pointed out, and everyone groaned, not ready for another blowjob by blowjob account of Seamus and Lavender’s sex life.
“Dobby,” said Ron.
“What?” asked Harry, warily.
“Has Dobby ever had sex?”
“Ron, for fuck’s sake!” Dean moaned.
“No, it’s another valid question.”
“Another valid question is, ‘Are you certifiably insane, Weasley?’” Seamus muttered.
“But house-elves must have sex,” Ron said.
“Why must they?” moaned Harry. “I can get by quite happily with them not.”
“With them not what?” asked Neville.
“With them not having sex.”
“But they must,” Ron insisted.
“Must as in ‘are forced to’?” asked Dean.
“Look, stop, stop, stop,” Ron said, waving his hands vaguely at them. “There was this house-elf Harry and I met in fifth year,” he threw a worried and wobbly look at Harry, but this was too important to brush aside, “and his whole family had their heads on the wall.”
Dean and Seamus frowned at each other, obviously trying to work out how this proved anything.
“What?” asked Neville.
Ron sighed. “Decap… decapit… beheaded heads. Just their heads. All the way up the wall. And they all looked alike. They were a family.”
“So?” asked Seamus. “Weasleys all look alike, too.”
Ron gave him a filthy look. “So, they had sex!”
“The whole family had sex? What are you implying about house-elves?” giggled Harry. “Because I’ll tell Hermione.”
Ron was not to be derailed. “They looked alike, right?” Harry nodded. “Which means they were related, which means that they had each found some other house-elf to make baby house-elves with, which means they had sex. So. Do you think that Dobby has had sex?”
“Yes,” said Neville, and they all looked at him again. “Well, he and that Winky are very close. I have seen them sneaking out of the Room of requirement, you know.”
“No,” said Harry. “Dobby takes her there when she’s not well.”
“And why were you looking for the Room of Requirement, anyway?” asked Seamus.
Neville flushed and looked nervously at Ron, through his fringe.
“Oh!” Seamus caused a distraction by leaping up to point at Neville and falling off his bed. Bouncing to his feet, he pointed at Neville again and said, “Oh! You and Ginny! Oh, oh!”
“What?” shouted Ron.
“Hagrid,” said Harry, trying to change the subject.
“Neville and Hagrid?” Dean smirked.
Harry sniggered. “No. Who thinks that Hagrid has had sex?”
“Why are we doing this?” asked Neville.
“Because only Seamus -”
“- and Neville -” put in Seamus.
“- have had sex, so the rest of us are reduced to speculation. And speculating on hot people’s sex lives is too hot!” explained Dean.
“Well, Hagrid and Madame Maxime have been on missions together,” Harry pointed out.
“Well, so have Snape and Lupin,” smirked Ron.
There was a lengthy silence, then they all shook themselves.
“So basically, even You Know Who has probably had sex, but the four of us haven’t,” Ron concluded.
“Three of you,” Seamus insisted.
“He wasn’t bad looking,” said Harry.
“What?” squeaked Neville.
“When he was our age. Voldemort wasn’t bad looking,” Harry explained.
They all stared at him.
“I am going to pretend you didn’t say that,” decided Ron.
“Three of you,” Seamus insisted.
“And that,” added Ron.
“Two of you,” added Dean, and they all looked at him.
“What?” asked Seamus.
“Well, if Neville can get away with taking Ginny to the Room of Requirement, then so can I.”
“What?” gasped Neville, bristling.
“Not any more,” said Dean, and Neville subsided, muttering.
“What?” shouted Ron, getting unsteadily to his feet.
“One of you,” Harry interrupted and everyone stared at him.
“What?” hissed Ron.
“The great Harry Potter has been laid?” grinned Seamus.
“And we didn’t know about it?” smirked Dean.
“Not on, mate,” beamed Neville. “How do we know what to deny to the newspapers, if you don’t keep us informed.”
“Harry?” asked Ron, still staring at him.
“It’s, well, it was only the other night, and I don’t know what is going to happen now, and I didn’t want to say anything and freak anyone out,” he trailed off.
“Freak anyone out?” wondered Seamus.
“What?” Ron bellowed. “It’s Ginny, isn’t it?”
“What?” shouted Neville.
“No. No, no, no,” Harry insisted. “It’s, um, it was, er, Hermione.”
Seamus laughed so hard he fell off his bed again.
Dean and Neville backed away from Ron.
Ron looked at his best friend.
“Ron?” Harry said. “This is why I didn’t say anything. I know you fancy her, and I am a shitty best mate, and you have every right to punch me.” He lifted his chin, bravely.
“I don’t fancy her,” Ron said quietly.
“What?” asked Harry.
Ron shook his head. “I don’t. It’s just…”
“Just what?” asked Harry, tentatively coming closer.
“Well, Seamus is absolved from this because I knew about him and Lavender, and couldn’t care less. But you,” he whirled on Dean, who jumped, “and you,” he pointed at Neville, who flinched, “have been shagging my baby sister, and you,” he turned on Harry, who stood his ground, “have shagged my best friend. And no one told me. And I am the only one here who hasn’t has sex, right?”
There was a chorus of mumbled yeses.
Ron snorted. “Well, that’s what you think.”
“What?” shouted Harry, Dean, Seamus and Neville.
“I only put all the awful images of Filch and the house-elves in your minds so you wouldn’t mind the image of me shagging Malfoy.”
Title: A valid question
Author:
shocfixPairing: loads
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1100
Happy Birthday
junesrose! I said I was having problems writing Harry/Hermione and you said you’d take any pairing except don’t mention “Filch, Dobby, Winky, Hagrid, Moldyvort…”
Snorted at by my adorable
rosina_alcona, so it is officially funny!A valid question
****
“D’you reckon Filch has had sex,” Ron asked, suddenly, making the other boys in the seventh year dorm choke.
“Ron!” Harry said. “What are you trying to do to us?”
Ron sat up on his bed and looked at them, earnestly. “No, it’s a valid question.”
“No, it fucking isn’t,” interrupted Seamus. “I am lying here, pleasantly drunk, and you are lying there thinking about Filch having sex.”
“I am not,” Ron replied, with as much dignity as he could manage. “I am wondering if he has had sex.”
“Yes, but why?” wailed Neville.
“Because I am seventeen and Merlin, I want to have sex. And he was seventeen once, and he and his mates must have talked about sex the whole time, and he must have thought, ‘One day I’ll do it’, and it’s just a bit sad if he’s still waiting.”
“No. No it isn’t,” said Harry, shaking his head.
“No, it’s survival of the fittest,” agreed Dean. “The human race does not need Filch to procreate.”
“Anyway, I always wondered about his cat,” mused Neville.
They all turned to stare at him. “What?” he asked.
“Anyway,” continued Ron. “Not Filch, necessarily. All teenage boys think about sex, and I guess most of them do it, eventually, but do the ones that are doomed to celibacy realise it?”
“Well, I never felt doomed, and I was right,” Seamus pointed out, and everyone groaned, not ready for another blowjob by blowjob account of Seamus and Lavender’s sex life.
“Dobby,” said Ron.
“What?” asked Harry, warily.
“Has Dobby ever had sex?”
“Ron, for fuck’s sake!” Dean moaned.
“No, it’s another valid question.”
“Another valid question is, ‘Are you certifiably insane, Weasley?’” Seamus muttered.
“But house-elves must have sex,” Ron said.
“Why must they?” moaned Harry. “I can get by quite happily with them not.”
“With them not what?” asked Neville.
“With them not having sex.”
“But they must,” Ron insisted.
“Must as in ‘are forced to’?” asked Dean.
“Look, stop, stop, stop,” Ron said, waving his hands vaguely at them. “There was this house-elf Harry and I met in fifth year,” he threw a worried and wobbly look at Harry, but this was too important to brush aside, “and his whole family had their heads on the wall.”
Dean and Seamus frowned at each other, obviously trying to work out how this proved anything.
“What?” asked Neville.
Ron sighed. “Decap… decapit… beheaded heads. Just their heads. All the way up the wall. And they all looked alike. They were a family.”
“So?” asked Seamus. “Weasleys all look alike, too.”
Ron gave him a filthy look. “So, they had sex!”
“The whole family had sex? What are you implying about house-elves?” giggled Harry. “Because I’ll tell Hermione.”
Ron was not to be derailed. “They looked alike, right?” Harry nodded. “Which means they were related, which means that they had each found some other house-elf to make baby house-elves with, which means they had sex. So. Do you think that Dobby has had sex?”
“Yes,” said Neville, and they all looked at him again. “Well, he and that Winky are very close. I have seen them sneaking out of the Room of requirement, you know.”
“No,” said Harry. “Dobby takes her there when she’s not well.”
“And why were you looking for the Room of Requirement, anyway?” asked Seamus.
Neville flushed and looked nervously at Ron, through his fringe.
“Oh!” Seamus caused a distraction by leaping up to point at Neville and falling off his bed. Bouncing to his feet, he pointed at Neville again and said, “Oh! You and Ginny! Oh, oh!”
“What?” shouted Ron.
“Hagrid,” said Harry, trying to change the subject.
“Neville and Hagrid?” Dean smirked.
Harry sniggered. “No. Who thinks that Hagrid has had sex?”
“Why are we doing this?” asked Neville.
“Because only Seamus -”
“- and Neville -” put in Seamus.
“- have had sex, so the rest of us are reduced to speculation. And speculating on hot people’s sex lives is too hot!” explained Dean.
“Well, Hagrid and Madame Maxime have been on missions together,” Harry pointed out.
“Well, so have Snape and Lupin,” smirked Ron.
There was a lengthy silence, then they all shook themselves.
“So basically, even You Know Who has probably had sex, but the four of us haven’t,” Ron concluded.
“Three of you,” Seamus insisted.
“He wasn’t bad looking,” said Harry.
“What?” squeaked Neville.
“When he was our age. Voldemort wasn’t bad looking,” Harry explained.
They all stared at him.
“I am going to pretend you didn’t say that,” decided Ron.
“Three of you,” Seamus insisted.
“And that,” added Ron.
“Two of you,” added Dean, and they all looked at him.
“What?” asked Seamus.
“Well, if Neville can get away with taking Ginny to the Room of Requirement, then so can I.”
“What?” gasped Neville, bristling.
“Not any more,” said Dean, and Neville subsided, muttering.
“What?” shouted Ron, getting unsteadily to his feet.
“One of you,” Harry interrupted and everyone stared at him.
“What?” hissed Ron.
“The great Harry Potter has been laid?” grinned Seamus.
“And we didn’t know about it?” smirked Dean.
“Not on, mate,” beamed Neville. “How do we know what to deny to the newspapers, if you don’t keep us informed.”
“Harry?” asked Ron, still staring at him.
“It’s, well, it was only the other night, and I don’t know what is going to happen now, and I didn’t want to say anything and freak anyone out,” he trailed off.
“Freak anyone out?” wondered Seamus.
“What?” Ron bellowed. “It’s Ginny, isn’t it?”
“What?” shouted Neville.
“No. No, no, no,” Harry insisted. “It’s, um, it was, er, Hermione.”
Seamus laughed so hard he fell off his bed again.
Dean and Neville backed away from Ron.
Ron looked at his best friend.
“Ron?” Harry said. “This is why I didn’t say anything. I know you fancy her, and I am a shitty best mate, and you have every right to punch me.” He lifted his chin, bravely.
“I don’t fancy her,” Ron said quietly.
“What?” asked Harry.
Ron shook his head. “I don’t. It’s just…”
“Just what?” asked Harry, tentatively coming closer.
“Well, Seamus is absolved from this because I knew about him and Lavender, and couldn’t care less. But you,” he whirled on Dean, who jumped, “and you,” he pointed at Neville, who flinched, “have been shagging my baby sister, and you,” he turned on Harry, who stood his ground, “have shagged my best friend. And no one told me. And I am the only one here who hasn’t has sex, right?”
There was a chorus of mumbled yeses.
Ron snorted. “Well, that’s what you think.”
“What?” shouted Harry, Dean, Seamus and Neville.
“I only put all the awful images of Filch and the house-elves in your minds so you wouldn’t mind the image of me shagging Malfoy.”