The Ultimate Conquest - Seamus/Sorting Hat - NC-17
Title: The Ultimate Conquest
Author: shocfix
Pairing: Seamus /??
Rating: NC-17
Words: 1000

This is a plot bunny of my husband's! I am so proud! So it is dedicated to him. A very patient and tolerant man. But also to kaalee, because, duh! Seamus.

If you recognise any text then, yes, it is 'borrowed' directly from Chamber of Secrets. Hmmm, you are thinking, what the hell is she talking about?

But, um, it may be a tad squicky. It's hard to say. It isn't a standard squick. It didn't squick me. But the last two things I have written have been Ron/Squid.


The Ultimate Conquest
****
Although he had been in his share of trouble over the past six and a half years, Seamus Finnigan had never been inside the Headmistress's office before. Well, that level of trouble had been reserved for the Golden Boy, hadn't it? But Harry had dragged poor old Ron off on this Mysterious Quest, unbelievably separating Hermione from her N.E.W.T.s and Seamus had been rather exposed to the rather twitchy professors' wrath this year.

Anyway, it had been Dean's idea to tell the idiot from the Ministry that Mrs Norris was the Headmistress in her Animagus form, but obviously Seamus be would be the one who was caught.

So, here he was, waiting for McGonagall in her office while she placated the irritating little beaurocrat.

It was a large and beautiful circular room, full of funny little noises. A number of curious silver instruments stood on spindle legged tables, whirring and emitting little puffs of smoke. The walls were covered with portraits of old headmasters and headmistresses, all of whom were snoozing gently in their frames. There was also an enormous, claw-footed desk, and, sitting on a shelf behind it, a shabby, tattered wizard's hat - the Sorting Hat.

Seamus hesitated. He cast a wary eye around the sleeping witches and wizards on the walls. Surely it couldn't hurt if he took the hat down and tried it on again? Just to see ... just to ask why it had taken so long to decide where to put him. Everyone else had mentioned over the years that the hat had talked to them, but Seamus had had a minute of ringing silence with the hat down over his eyes. He walked quietly around the desk, lifted the hat from its shelf, and lowered it slowly onto his head. It was now a much better fit and barely slipped down over his eyes, as it had done the last time he'd put it on. Seamus stared at the black inside of the hat, waiting. Then a small voice said in his ear, "Bee in your bonnet, Seamus Finnigan?"

"Er, yes," Seamus muttered. "Er - sorry to bother you - I wanted to ask -"

"You've been wondering what I saw in your head at your Sorting," said the hat smartly. "Yes ... you were particularly difficult to place. But I had never seen anything like it before" - Seamus's stomach plummeted - "even at eleven I could see you were going to have more sex than any other student at Hogwarts."

Seamus's heart leapt. He grabbed the point of the hat and pulled it off. It hung limply in his hand, grubby and faded.

Seamus gazed at it, dumbfounded. That was what the hat saw? Everyone else's head was full of magic and ambition and brilliance, and his libido was overshadowing everything else. Overshadowing everyone else! Thinking of his various conquests, he idly rubbed the limp hat with his thumb.

Well, OK, he'd at least dated all the girls in the top three years in the school. Except for Hermione. He was sure there was something under that bookish exterior, but there had always been Ron's temper to contend with.

He squeezed the hat and realised that it was no longer limp. Not by a long way. Then the hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth - and Seamus realised he was no longer limp either. The hat's mouth opened wider and Seamus couldn't help reaching inside his robes and stroking himself through his trousers.

The hat was heavy in his hand and Seamus squeezed it again. Barely glancing round at the dozing headmasters, Seamus parted his robes, freed his erection and ran his thumb over the ridge of his aching cock.

Not even hesitating, Seamus held his cock to the waiting lips, which parted eagerly and welcomed his surging thrust. It felt distinctly odd. It sucked greedily, but was cool and dry. Seamus thought of Tracy Davis on her knees behind the Quidditch changing rooms last week. Her mouth had been scorching hot and she had obviously known exactly what she was doing, she had held him in place and had got him off swiftly and professionally, but it had felt almost routine. Thrusting into a wide-eyed Hannah Abbott's mouth inside Greenhouse Five had been much more exciting – if only because he had had to keep an eye on some of the plants – as she obviously hadn't had a clue what to do.

But this.

This, surely, was breaking new ground in the history of sex at Hogwarts. Surely no one had ever been blown by the Sorting Hat? In over a thousand years.

Seamus held it tight against his body and the hat pulsated around him, drawing his cock further into it. Seamus liked to think he was well-endowed, and not even the legendary Randy-Mandy Brocklehurst had been able to deep throat him. But, oh. The hat. The hat's lips were against his skin, whatever the hat used for throat muscles were contracting against the head of his cock, the hat's brim was rubbing against his balls.

Seamus's eyelids fluttered closed as he felt sparks forming in his extremities. Sparks that made his skin twitch. Sparks that swirled and spiked up his limbs and gathered in his groin.

He gasped and thrust harder into the welcoming fashion accessory, which sucked harder and swirled its fabric around his throbbing length, curling its brim under his sac and squeezing gently as his climax ripped through him. Seamus smothered a cry as he pumped his seed deep inside the eager mouth, which soaked up every drop.

As the blood pounded in his ears, Seamus withdrew his wilting cock and wiped it on the rapidly sagging hat.

His breath returning to normal, Seamus looked at the hat, now hanging limply in his hand once more. Seamus pushed it back onto its shelf.

"Thanks," he said aloud to the still and silent hat. It didn't move. Seamus backed away, watching it. Then a strange, gagging noise behind him made him wheel around. He wasn't alone after all.

"The Headmistress has been delayed, you can go to dinner," said a rather green Neville, not meeting his eyes.